


Hold On

by Luvleen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bad Parent John Winchester, Depressed Dean Winchester, Homophobic John Winchester, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John Winchester Abuses Dean Winchester, M/M, Sad Castiel (Supernatural), Sad Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad Ending, Suicide Attempt, Teenage Castiel/Teenage Dean Winchester, teenage cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29761101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luvleen/pseuds/Luvleen
Summary: Sometimes it's just too late.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 10





	Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write a short scene based on song lyrics and to use different lyrics in the writing, for a competition so I came up with this, I have been kind of obsessed with Dean and Cas, and this just kind of happened. This is my first attempt at writing, please don't judge.  
> If you like it or If you can identify the songs I used do comment.

Castiel’s hands are shaking as he presses the digits that had etched themselves on his mind since the very first time he had heard them from Dean, onto the illuminated screen of his phone. He presses on the pedal, dashing down the streets hoping to make it in time, the other possibility was too harsh for him to even consider. It had been a month since they had called it quits, well Dean had but then he hadn’t done anything to stop it either just accepted that somebody as beautiful as him, wouldn’t want someone like him, just accepted how he smashed his heart to pieces. He was so wrong. How could he have just given up?  
He rushes inside, as the sound of his footsteps echoes off the artless stony walls of the seemingly lifeless house, that had never felt more desolate. He breaks through the door, Dean had locked himself in to find him lying on the floor, bleeding. He pulls Dean in to feel his heartbeat as a strangled scream leaves his lips. Driving on the long endless highway is like a nightmare he can’t escape from as he is silent beside him.

“Hold on, I still want you. Come back, I still need you.” The words fell from his mouth, repeating themselves like a prayer, over and over again, hoping Dean hears them as they take him away on a table. The very moment he leaves his sight, tears start leaving his eyes till he turns into a wretched sobbing mess.

He only comes back to his senses when the nurse brings him a sheet of paper telling him, he was clutching it in his hands, asking him if he was family or they needed to be contacted. As he contacts John, his alcoholic, abusive, bigoted father, his eyes are stuck on the sheet he had been left with. 

He sucks in his breath as his trembling hands unfurl it, tears blurring his eyes as he reads the words imprinted upon it in Dean’s delicate handwriting. He had always loved the way he embellished the page with his beautiful script, but then, there was nothing he didn’t really love about him. He always thought it to be “too girly”, his lovers’ notions of ‘masculinity’ had always been a bit distorted. 

“My love, I know it’s selfish but I hope it’s you that finds me.” 

‘It wasn’t just selfish, it was cruel.’ He thought.

But he kept on reading. He could hear Dean’s voice clearly in his mind the same way he could remember the cute little constellation of freckles adorning his slightly crooked nose.

“Before I met you, I had never felt good enough. Before I let you in, I’d already given up. I didn’t wanna be alive. They said every life was precious but nobody had ever cared about mine. Not until you came along.

I never could have imagined the way our story happened, you were someone new. The first time I saw your eyes burning bright like sapphires, I knew I was a goner. We were born sick, they said, that us, together was nothing short of a sin, downright blasphemy. But I couldn’t have cared less, you were nothing but pure, nothing short of divine. If there was a devil it was me, if there was something wrong, it was because of me.

I know I am a coward because I couldn’t say it to your face, but I am sorry.

I am sorry, I left you. I am sorry I couldn’t fight for us when I needed to, but when he told me I had to do it, there was no choice left for me but to obey. I couldn’t take anymore torment. I was never anything more than daddy’s little soldier now, was I?” He could practically hear Dean’s self-deprecating, bitter chuckle resonating in his mind. 

“It’s such a classic ‘me’ mistake, someone gave me love and I threw it all away. But I knew you’d be better off without me. I was only bringing you down.”

‘God, you were so much more than that. Why couldn’t you see yourself the way I saw you?’ He was so ashamed that he could never make him realize that he deserved to be saved.

“Now, It’s been a month and I have tried my best. I did. But I am tired, I am tired of fighting for a lost cause. I am not strong enough to stand up to him. John would never accept us. To him, we are nothing but unnatural and unholy. He tears me to pieces, skin to the bone and I can’t take it anymore. I need a place to hide and I can’t find one near. I want to feel alive but you are not there.

I don’t know how to live without you. Not when I know what it’s like to have your hand in mine. Not when I know how you cute you look when you don’t get my pop culture references, not when I dream of nothing but your eyes each night, not when I know how they light up when you talk about bees, …not when I know what it’s like to be with you.

So, I smashed up what’s left of me, smashed up everything till I smashed myself to pieces. After everything I’ve done, everything he made me do to hurt you, I hate myself. I hate what I’ve become. I didn’t know reflections could change but now, I can’t even bear to look at mine. 

I hope someday you’ll forgive me for all I have done, for all I am about to do. I don’t deserve you, I never did and yet, you were so good to me. I am sorry that I am letting go, of you, of everything else, but I am sick of wanting more, sick of wanting something I can never have.

This is my goodbye to you, love.

It’s the end of our time, and I hope to see you again someday, somewhere where I may be worthy of you, somewhere without my demons, someplace we could just be us.

I love you. I will always love you.”

He rereads each word a million times, memorizing them, memorizing the curve of each letter, until he feels a hand on his shoulder shaking him out of his reverie.

It’s the doctor, in her patented white coat, lips stretched into a thin line, her eyes full of sympathy. He knew what she came to say, but he couldn’t believe it. Not now, not ever. He couldn’t lose Dean. He wouldn’t do it to him. Her words fell on deaf ears as murmurs of “No, no, Dean couldn’t be gone, no, no, that…that can’t happen, no, no, no.” leave his lips. He crumples to the ground as his legs give away, his mind finally making sense of the reality of his unbearable loss.

“Can I…C-Can I see him?” He stutters, his eyes red and puffy, his steps faltering as he hastily makes way to see him one last time because he knew his father wouldn’t let him attend the funeral. Not that it mattered anyway, he wouldn’t have gone even if he could. It wouldn’t have provided any closure because there never could be any. If there was one thing that he was sure of, he would never really get over him. He didn’t know how. Especially not now, not with how he had been taken away from him, not when he knew he had failed to save the most beautiful and selfless soul he had ever met. 

He gingerly pulls the chalky white curtain away to see his beautiful green eyes that hid the world in them, shut, his pale body lifeless on the bed, and yet all he could think of was, he was still beautiful, still Dean Winchester. He takes his hand in his one last time, caresses his cheek with his other one, and bends down to whisper, “I regret a lot of things but nothing more than the moments I didn’t spend with you. The time that I wasted when I could have been with you. It’s not like I was counting and thought I would run out of days. I wish I had known better. And now you are gone but I still hope you can hear me, and finally believe when I say, I love you. I will always love you.”


End file.
